Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Sperm Count

Based on my thorough internet Google search (first site that came up) "the United States entered 2010 with a population of more than 308.4 million" people, this "according to a U.S. Census Bureau estimate." More specifically the report placed the estimate at 308,400,408. They're a very exacting group.

That means that currently residing on this earth are 308,400,408 former sperm. 308,400,408 winner swimmers.

The world population is projected at 6,875,944,032, the world population clock is constantly running so it's much more at the moment you're reading this.

I bring this up because I was sitting in a co-workers office today, politely waiting for him to take care of my every technological need. On his TV was the Maury Povich show, the subject, surprisingly, was something like "are you my baby's father". Maury was certainly enjoying the lighthearted exchange of dialogue, as was the clinic that performed the paternity test, turns out that this guy was possibly the father of three kids by three different girls. And he, the potential pop, was laughing at one of the girls accusing him of being the dad. Later in the show, one of the mom's started shouting at her son calling him "a slut". My mother has called me a few names in my life but never that.

With a US population somewhere in excess of 308 million people I was wondering what percentage of the population is willing to go onto Maury Povich or the show of one of his brethren, and air their dirty laundry.

Let's say there is an average of 10 TV shows that sensationalize this kind of stuff, they each tape 5 shows a week, 48 weeks a year, and there are an average of 3 dysfunctional families on each show. Now I am also assuming that the earliest age that you get national media for being dysfunctional is 12 and that they live until say 84. That would 518,400 dysfunctional families over a 72 year span. That's 0.00016% of the US population that on average is willing to air their laundry to everyone with cable.

Now I'm not crazy, and maybe my attitude is related to my getting older, but…. I have trouble farting out loud let alone showing everyone the skid marks in my underwear. I mean we all have them but it doesn't mean that we want to see them.

And I am also not saying that my family is not dysfunctional, for instance, my mom's stepbrother used to be her stepsister. I know, you don't have a response for that. There isn't one. I never found out which bathroom she/him/shim used. That alone is got to be confusing.

Which brings me to sperm count. The average sperm count in a healthy male, except for my mom's stepbrother, is supposed to be 15 million per milliliter. That means that upon conception 14,999,999 sperm entered a swim meet with high hopes and lost. Registration for that event must have taken awhile. And that is only if they conceive on the first try. I don't even want to estimate the collateral sperm loss of trying to get pregnant.

So, as I was sitting there watching Maury Povich, viewing this not-very-entertaining-airing-of-their-dirty-family-laundry to millions of viewers, I was thinking of the 14,999,999 sperm that were in the race and lost. And I looked at the kid on the TV and thought, "This is the sperm that got through?"

Which is now the same question that I'm going to ask myself when I have my annual birthday self-analysis.