Saturday, March 21, 2009

Bring On The Global… Uh, Regional Warming

Dear Global Warming Scientists,

Spring officially started today.

It’s about time. I’m so tired of winter that I’d like to go straight from winter to summer and then hit the snooze button on fall and winter a couple of dozen times and just move into summer for the next decade. Can you help?

I turn on my TV, Radio, surf the Internet, read the newspaper, and everywhere I hear about global warming. So here is my question: Is there an actual location that global warming is affecting on our earth besides Africa and the Middle East because it sure isn’t happening in the Pacific Northwet (pun intended). Whoever has control of the thermostat can turn that baby up a few degrees.

I’m not saying that there is no global warming, I’m not wired to understand the science thing that well. Just ask my old 7th grade science teacher Mrs. Vajdas, if she even knew that I could spell it would probably make her roll over in her grave, if she’s in the grave. Now Mrs. Hansen, my English teacher, she knew I could spell and write. I always did my homework for her because she was smokin’ hot! Her husband was a jerk though. Come to think of it my high school English teacher was hot too. I just figured out why I like to read and write.

Now we know you know the West Coast is a strange place to live. California has earthquakes and two seasons, “Flood and Inferno”. Oregon is like the best of California and Washington but unpredictable as to when you can expect what season. They can’t make up their mind there. They have year round skiing and assisted suicide.

Washington, well we don’t tan, we rust. The eastern half of the state spends most of their time hating the western half because 98.5% of the state budget is spent west of the Columbia River. Eastern Washington is considering letting Idaho annex it. Western Washington is the best of everything that you love about the earth, just the average temperature is about 20 degrees less than the rest of the states excluding Alaska and Canada. We have seasons, two of them, “Raining” and “Waiting for it to rain”.

And the rain does wonders for us. While you are conserving water due to shortages in the reservoirs we’re watering our lawns twice a day. Everywhere you go in Western Washington it’s green and raining! Moss is our state flower. Ever seen a rainbow? Here, it’s an everyday occurrence. Seattlites buy more sunglasses per capita than any other city because we can’t find them most of the time. We’ve got the ocean, Puget Sound, lakes, rivers, mountains with snow, mountains that are going to have snow. You want to see a wetland firsthand? Fly into Seattle and look out the window of your airplane. If you wait long enough in some areas the river comes to you or your house slides down the hill to the water. The reason water witching or dousing works in Washington is that you can’t miss, water is everywhere!

And now we’ve had enough. Snow the past two weekends! I’ve had to use my tire chains twice this winter. Who pissed off Canada and Alaska in our government that made them send us their weather? Give us global warming! Someone else can have the rain.

And here is why. While all of this rain makes things green, it’s against a background of gray. When the sun comes out the citizens start worshipping it like the second coming. Yes we’re green but we also have most of the crazy people here. If you look you’ll find the Unabomber vacationed here. In most states you have your occasional bizarre murder while we’re producing quality serial killers. Washington is a training ground for mass murderers, it’s the Al Queda of America. Why? They eventually get sick of the rain and with nothing else to do they kill. Give us some global warming and we’ll move to second place in a heartbeat. God’s creation of the rainbow along with the promise to Noah that he wouldn’t flood the earth again didn’t mean he wouldn’t regionalize it.

So, you scientists and people who got better than a D on your report card in 7th grade science… please send us global warming.



Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Accessorizing Through Remodeling

I don’t know if I am a typical husband but like most of the other spousal units of the male persuasion I notice the subtle and the obvious changes that Hottie makes in her appearance, eventually. I mean obvious changes like major haircutting and coloring I’m on top of, say within about a week or two of the event. Usually my son who lives about 400 miles away asks me how I like his mothers new hairdo and then I ask what hairdo and then I’m in the doghouse. I tried to compliment her everyday on her hair, you know, “isn’t that a new look for you?” or “that new hair color really brings out the brown in your eyes”, but she soon caught on to my complete lack on sincerity and the fact that my eyes were getting browner with every compliment.

Subtle changes like a new outfit usually take me a year. Take for instance last Sunday. We were out of town visiting the in-laws/romantic getaway at the coast. I know, sounds like it sucked but we didn’t spend the romantic getaway with the in-laws. Focus. Hottie takes off her coat and is wearing this red long sleeved top that really, well, turned me on. I’m sure that it looked good on her but this being a romantic getaway I was also wondering what the world record time was for sincere-compliment-to-sex. I just know that looking at her in that outfit made me want to break the record. Sadly, she had owned the very cute little top for over a year and what I got was the sincere-compliment-to-lecture about how I never really notice her. I’ve got the world record in that category. I still wanted to see how easy the top came off even though I got the lecture.

Which brings me to the real reason for this blog.

Men accessorize through remodeling.

If shopping defines women then remodeling defines men. I shrink at the thought of having to buy a new pair of shoes, shirts, a new suit, and even socks. My wife on the other hand wants me to go shopping with her all of the time, to the mall, to the grocery store, and the furniture store. I know you can’t believe that I would pass up a great opportunity like shopping but most times I’d rather have my testicles put in a vise. Nothing personal I just don’t like shopping.

But every Saturday I’m at Lowes. And I’m shopping but I don’t think of it as shopping. I’m accessorizing.

Like most of you I’m big into home improvement. As Hottie will tell you I’m constantly working on the house, she will also tell you that I’m not big into finishing my projects in a timely manner. But I’m working on a project right now that is the perfect project for accessorizing. I’m replacing my electrical service panel/rewiring most of the house/rewiring the phone system/replacing the cable lines/finally finishing the laundry room/completely remodeling the garage/building my man cave. And how does a man accessorize?

With new TOOLS!!!

Ladies, men put as much thought into the tools, or accessories for the project as you put into matching an outfit with the right necklace, earrings, shoes or scarf. A project just isn’t the same without a new tool. Take for instance my current project. Overhead work, rough carpentry, drywall. To my very patient wife it’s dust, noise, and destruction. To the man who accessorizes it’s a new ladder, framing hammer and a Rotozip! And like those necklaces, earrings, and shoes that you wear with a wide range of outfits, our accessories will go with other projects.
That Rotozip is just as useful trimming tile for your new floor as it is for trimming electrical boxes in drywall. I’m toying with the idea of using it to trim my nose hairs but I’m having trouble finding someone to test my theory. Now the ladder will spend its lifetime gaining us access to the attic, the roof, trimming the trees, hanging Christmas lights, cleaning gutters, and getting the cat out of the tree (or putting the cat in the tree). The framing hammer is useful in so many ways, building a new shed, that arbor that you’ve always wanted, and it doubles as a nut cracker.

So the next time that you think that your husband doesn’t notice you, turn it around. Go down to Manland and sincerely compliment your man on his new tools. You’ll fumble, he’ll grumble, but when you show him that you are sincerely interested in how he “dresses” himself you’ll find the compliments will be returned.