Saturday, December 6, 2008

The Naughty and Nice List

Thanksgiving has come and gone and it looks like it’s crunch time for the fat man of the north. At the North Pole, this is the sports equivalent of fourth and goal on the one-yard line 10 seconds left and only a touchdown can win it, bottom of the 9th, bases loaded, two strikes on the batter and he needs a Grand Slam to win. If Santa was Cinderella the clock is about to strike twelve and he is nowhere near the pumpkin coach. Being Santa has its pressures.

While the elves have their tasks, made easier by modern factories, Santa still must personally take care of one thing. The Naughty and Nice List. They, and we all know who they are, say that only Santa has the magical powers that tell who is naughty and who is nice. That leaves Santa the sole employee in charge of logistics.

That is quite a list with some notable names on it.

The Naughty List includes infamous people like Adolf Hitler, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dalmer, my ex son-in-law’s, and the girl who forgot to put ketchup packets in my bag at Jack in the Box on Friday. The Nice List includes people like Mother Theresa, Billy Graham, Bill and Melinda Gates, all the girls who went out on a second date with me, and my wife (who bless her heart didn’t laugh the first time she saw me naked).

As time has passed and the world has changed I’m sure that the list reflects more of the world’s current standards. For instance, things which were once naughty are no longer are part of societies evils. For instance, dipping the ponytail of the girl in front of you in the inkwell at school, naughty but not relevant in today’s society. Not because a naughty boy wouldn’t or couldn’t do it given the chance, there’s just no need for inkwells anymore. Where is the fun of taking an ink pen and trying to write on her hair? Besides, the number of girls with longhair has grown shrunk noticeably over the years and dipping a short-haired girls locks in the ink would defeat the goal of not letting her know you’re doing it. You can’t just grab a girls head, tilt it back 90 degrees, dip the hair in ink and think she won’t notice. You do that today and you are the recipient of a harassment charge or a swift kick to the boys.

Other Naughty List deeds that were once bad seem to be moving over to the Nice List. Living together, disrespect to your parents, teachers and minister seem to be acceptable today. So is cheating at school, taking bribes, some murders, and recreational drug use.

With all of this change in morality the biggest problem that Santa has are the people that could easily be on both lists. If the criteria for the Naughty and Nice List has got a little blurred over the years maybe the answer lies in a new list, The Naughty and Nice List.

Here are a couple of examples of the argument for the new Naughty and Nice List. Let’s say that you have a ruthless dictator that oppresses the very people that he has responsibility for. On one hand, he imposes outrageous taxes on the people, but he also provides free daycare to everyone in the country. See, naughty and nice. Hugh Hefner has three girlfriend’s (Holly Madison, Bridget Marquardt and Kendra Wilkinson) that live with him. I’m sure they engage in immoral activities. Naughty, in two ways. But, the girls are helping out a senior citizen in his golden years and Hugh is providing advice and financial support for impressionable young women.

Not that any of this will matter soon. Santa will more than likely have to eliminate the Naughty and Nice list because it discriminates based on behavior. Soon he’ll be just like the Easter Bunny.

Everyone gets something, for nothing.

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