Sunday, November 14, 2010

50 Ways To Kill Your Lover

Every once in a while my wife and I get into "bizarre" conversations that have nothing to do with reality but delve into the "what if" pretty deeply.  Most of the subjects that we cover are speculative and harmless. 

We've discussed what we would do if we were to win the lottery.  The amounts that we win increase with each conversation.  Of course you would have to play the lottery to win it, which is what makes it bizarre.  But rest assured that if we ever do win the lottery, even though we don't play it, that members of our family will be well taken care of.

As long as they subject themselves to a periodic drug test.

We'll also own a lot of cars.  My wife will have an old truck, a Porsche, and SUV and some odd makes.  Mine will be all British, mostly MG's and Jag's.

If we played the lottery.  But we don't.

I was driving I-90 by myself recently and I recalled a conversation that my little granddaughter and I had regarding my wife.  Katii and I were discussing how much she loved me and we were imitating some Sandra Bullock dialogue from an exchange with Benjamin Bratt in Miss Congeneality.  She didn't know it was Sandra Bullock but I did.  You know it well:

Me: "You love me?"

Katii: "Yes."

Me: "You think I'm handsome?"

Katii: "Yes." (with great dramatic intensity)

Me: "You want to marry me?"  (pouring the sugar on)

Katii: "Yes!"

Me: "Well you can't!  I'm married to Grandma."  (Bursting her bubble).

And then I added, "unless her brake lines get cut and she dies in a horrible accident."

Katii then rushes upstairs to our bedroom and announces to Grandma that she is going to marry Papa when her brake lines are cut.

Which is why my wife and I had this bizarre conversation about how we would kill each other, an event that I would more than likely experience if I tried to change sides of the bed, her if she continues to try to pass off ground turkey as "tasty and healthy".

The problem with people that kill their spouse is that they get selfish and kill them in a moment of passion.  The problem with passion is that it makes logical people do illogical things.

Not following?

Let me give you an example.  It all comes down to motive.  It my wife wants to get away with murder she needs to convince me to cancel my insurance policy.  That way she would have nothing to gain if I'm dead.  See, no motive, no suspicion.

And if I want to get rid of her I would have to continue to ignore her and not listen.  If I suddenly started to listen to her that would throw suspicion on me.

"I don't know officer, he just started spending extraordinary amounts of time with her."  Yeah, dead give away.

How they died is another mistake often made by a killer spouse.  My wife can't die of drowning or from a high place.  In fact, she's pretty well exempt from being murdered as she has a very healthy fear of water, including the kitchen sink, and anyone that knows her is aware that anything above a step stool is an extreme height.  Falling off the edge of a cliff or having a malfunctioning parachute when she's skydiving will immediately throw suspicion on me.

My murder has fewer limitations upon it.

Here are a number of scenarios in which I could die an accidental death and not throw suspicion upon my wife.  Death by:
  • Skydiving
  • Bungee Jumping
  • Car Accident
  • Power Tools
  • Excessive TV Viewing
  • At work late
  • At work early
  • Cut brake lines
  • Overdose by Almond Joy
  • Choking on my food
  • Popcorn overdose
  • Falling off of ladders/roofs/stairs/scaffolds/bunk beds, etc.
You get it.  I don't have many ways that I can die and arouse suspicion.

I'm not saying that there aren't conditions that wouldn't bring suspicion, like:
  • Dying in my sleep between 6:30am to 9:30pm, seven days a week.
  • While driving my MG (none of them run)
  • Ironing my shirts and getting electrocuted
  • Death by cleaning chemicals
  • While vacuuming
  • While completing a project (I'm told that I don't)
  • Choking on peas
The wife and I have had this discussion not because we're not currently planning each others death, it seems to be a healthy dialogue.  In a bizarre, sick, and psycho way.


Kill him while you cook Brooke

Hit her with the grill Bill


The Crash Test Dummy said...


ho ho ha ha hee heh e e

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Can't wait till you put that to music.

Verifer says pormurp.

Poooor Murp.