Monday, October 20, 2008

All Dogs Go To Heaven?

There is travelling around the Internet, you know, that thing that Al Gore invented, a pictorial battle between two churches located across the street from one another. One is Catholic, the other Presbyterian. These churches each have sign boards in front of them and the Catholic's started it, put up a message that said "ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN".

Well all God-fearing-right wing-gun toting-bible-clingers like ourselves know that that ain't true and the Presbyterian's shot back with a message of their own; "ONLY HUMANS GO TO HEAVEN READ THE BIBLE". Sometime after bingo the Catholics dug deep into the scriptures and fired one back "GOD LOVES ALL HIS CREATURES DOGS INCLUDED". That seem to incense the Presbyterians because they responded with "DOGS DON'T HAVE SOULS THIS IS NOT OPEN TO DEBATE" (punctuation added).

The Catholics had had enough and the war of words escalated. They brought out their big guns, longer sentences. "CATHOLIC DOGS GO TO HEAVEN, PRESBYTERIAN DOGS CAN TALK TO THEIR PASTOR".

Now I'm the kind of guy who doesn't like to ruin a good story so I won't share the rest with you right now. Besides, I now know how to spell "Presbyterian" without looking it up in the dictionary. If you'd like the full e-mail let me know and I'll forward it to you.

I just thought that it was an interesting argument. It actually got me thinking. First I thought about Al Gore and the Internet. Then I thought about how I wasted my vote on George Bush instead of Al in the first election. And then I realized that the only reason I would have honestly voted for Al Gore is that his daughters were hotter than George and Laura Bush's daughter's.
I thought about that scripture that seems to back up the Presbyterian argument, the one that says "we should be holy, without Spot". So no dogs in Heaven. But I found the Catholic argument compelling. And then it hit me.

Would I actually want to have dogs in Heaven?

Being a former dog owner I feel that I am an authority on this. I'm the former dog owner that in a moment of incredible triumph convinced my wife that we should have a dog. It didn't hurt that the gift of jewelery was blinding her decision making ability. My logic and reason had left the building with Elvis. I owned a truck, it needed a dog.

My life begged for a dog. I had an easy chair, the aforementioned truck, a large fenced yard, and money for the dog food. We had dogs when I was a child. We had had big dogs and little dogs. Mostly little dogs. Dogs were easy. From everything I had observed dogs were truly a man's best friend.

So I got a dog. Gave her a cute name. Bought her a dog bed, a dog brush, a dog collar, some dog shampoo, and a dog leash. I bought a pooper scooper. It was a great pooper scooper. I just liked showing it off to friends so that I could say "pooper scooper". I was a little short on friends for a while. And then it happened...

I had a dog.

And if dogs are allowed to go to heaven we are going to be in real trouble with the landlord.

Something that I didn't know about dogs when I grew up. Dogs that live on two acres poop in the woods with the bears, not on my nicely manicured grass. Dogs on two acres have over 90.000 square feet that they call their own and they choose to poop in areas that most humans don't inhabit or travel.

Dogs on two acres don't leave paths throughout your nicely manicured lawn as they scurry about pooping from place to place in the woods. Dogs on two acres consider that two acres their domain and will defend it from other dogs that want to poop in their woods.

Dogs on two acres don't chew through your: power washer hose, building level, lawnmower pull handle, steering wheel of the borrowed lawn tractor, shoes left outside, lawn furniture, handles to your wheelbarrow, and small children that wander into your yard. Dogs on two acres are content to use the two acres to stay entertained. Dogs in fenced yards bark just to hear themselves bark.

Heaven will be a mess with dogs. Let's face it, our mansions on high are going to be in trouble if all dogs go to Heaven. Now I would argue that this would be the case if only "some" dogs went to heaven. And it doesn't stop there. Consider what else could be in Heaven.


They don't serve much of a purpose here on earth so let's imagine what they would be like in Heaven. Heavenly hairballs, shedding, litter-boxes that don't get cleaned out when they should. Cats lead to another problem. If you’re going to allow cats in Heaven then you have to allow:

Mice... and rats, moles, possums, skunks, badgers, elk, deer, bison, hippos, those little invisible things that dogs chase while you're not watching them. Let's face it, allowing dogs into Heaven just opens up a real Pandora's box of problems. If you let one in you have to let them all in and I'm not sure that I'm ready for that responsibility. I plan on going to Heaven to rest on my laurels and sing hymns. If I constantly have to stop resting and singing to let the cat out or take the dog for a walk then Heaven isn't going to be heaven. I'm looking forward to the rest.

And here is a little thought, what about all of animals that we've shot for sport, just for the fun of it. Don't you think they might have an attitude? What do we do with the whales? Will there be a tub big enough? No, we've gone too far. I'm still having trouble with knowing that some humans will be in Heaven. I don't want to be worrying about the...


Of course I have no problem with all dogs going to %&**. Let the devil clean up a mess or two and maybe he'll be nice and leave us alone.

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