Monday, January 26, 2009

Can I Get An AMEN!

Brothers and Sisters, the subject of our sermon today is food. We’ll be taking our lesson from “The Book of Daniel, Chapter 68, The Lost Chapters.”

Starting with verse 6: “Let the doors of the buffet be opened unto you that you may feast upon the salads, the meats and the fish, and end with a nice piece of chocolate cake, with ice cream. And in consuming them you shall be filled to uncomfortability and your pants shall be tight and your proximity to the bathroom shall be close. But you will be contented.”

Can I get an Amen! Amen! Say it again. Amen!

Fact; Women are into quality and men are into quantity, which is why women love restaurants and men love buffets.

The same rules apply with regards to sex, women want quality, men, well we just want it. Quantity.

But this is really about food so I’ll try to stay focused.

The secret to a long life, according to those who live long, is that food is not their priority. Sounds to me like someone has their priorities mixed up. I want to eat my way to at least 100 years old. Women tend to not focus on food and that may be the explanation as to why women live longer than men, but what’s the fun of living long if you can’t enjoy it and nothing says enjoy like buffet!

Last week I had occasion to be in a town on the Olympic Peninsula for business and decided to pop into a buffet for a “light” lunch, meaning that at lunch they don’t carve roast beef and ham. A group of four young men in white shirts, ties, and name tags were prayerfully pondering whether the buffet was a prudent use of their money. Now I’m not Bill Gates when it comes to money but I have needed some blessings for my family so I convinced them that the “spirit of the buffet” had prompted me to pay for their meal. Why else would they have pulled into the parking lot at the same time if it wasn’t meant to be?

“And they came two by two to the table; and they did eat of foods, both fried and baked, whipped and steamed, and they saw that it was good. They partook of fowl of the ground, fishes of the sea, and they popped those little shrimp all breaded and deep fried and dipped in cocktail sauce into their mouths. So great was their joy that they returned again and again to feast upon the bounties provided by the toothless guy who spoke no English.”

“And they washed it down with endless glasses of pop and milk and they all proclaimed that it was good.”

In modern terms, those boys could eat. I was so proud of them I nearly cried.

I did feel bad though. Just after we sat down together another four missionaries arrived, surveyed the situation, and then announced that they weren’t going to spend that kind of money on a meal. Bless those young men that were already eating for they did not announce that they were eating on my dime. Besides, 8 missionaries in one place is a zone conference in my book and I didn’t see a Mission President. They wandered off in search of a dollar menu somewhere. Hey, sometimes the spirit moves you. It moved me to not pay for four more.

I know that I don’t make the rules, but whoever, no matter what the circumstances were, invented the buffet should get a free pass into heaven. If I believed in sainthood I’d saint him. If I could name a town or a road after him I would. I’d declare a Buffet Holiday. There would be no fasting on this day. Forget sacrifice and service, the rallying cry should be “Buffets! It’s what’s for Dinner… and lunch!”

And his place in heaven should be on the right hand… of the guy who invented bacon.


Annie Valentine said...

Okay, first off, any girl who's worth her salt will choose a buffet eleven times out of ten. And I would be perfectly happy to die at 72 of summer sausage induced heart failure.

Second off, you are freaking hilarious. I bet those missionaries would pay good money to break bread with you again.

Jen said...

AMEN!!! If you studied my blog archives, you'd know that I worship buffets. Oh, the joys of having it all - and as much of it as you can stuff down.

And free dessert. That's the real clincher. Where can I find a copy of these lost chapters? They sound like my kind of scripture...

The Wixom Zoo said...

AMEN!! I'm all for it as long as I don't have to cook. (Especially when there are 4, maybe 8, missionaries involved!)

April said...

Haynsy, I am disappointed in you, which proves my point that men don't listen! Women talk about food JUST as much as men.

True, men think about sex more than women, but got to a woman's blog and show me where food isn't mentioned once!

I'll give you that I would prefer a sit down to a buffet, but only because I'm afraid of the possibility of all the germs on the buffet food. That possibility is greatly reduced when the food is served to a table. I'm just saying!!! :)

Youngblood4ever said...

AMEN!!! Are you feelin' it? Cuz I did. I loved inspired people who paid for my meals as a missionary. Be assured 4 prayers of thanks were offered that night, mentioning you by name.

The hubby loves the buffet, I am okay going there, but would rather have a fab steak and monster potato from a steak house. Just my preference. I guess you're right- I want quality. But the hubby would agree with you- QUANTITY!

My Diary said...

Amen to the bacon. But since I am a woman I am totally into quality not quantity. I believe your theory in regards to buffets and sweet lovin.

Haynsy said...

First may I say that this is not the backlash that I expected. You're my kind of women!... right after my wife.

Annie, Jen: next time we're together we're going buffeting!

Zoo Girl: And a buffet never lives up to home cooking but you don't have to decide what the kids eat.

April: Sorry, I'm right, you talk about food but it digresses to chocolate within 30 seconds. And the blog moves to chocolate even faster.

You and I have to talk one day about getting kicked out of BYU... was it in 1982 when I got kicked out?

Youngblood: Steak yes, fab potato, I'll just head over to Idaho for that. Feeding missionaries, priceless. I almost shaved the beard and put on the suit again.

Diary: I almost blogged praises to the chosen one that came up with bacon.

All: Have I ever mentioned that you just crack me up! The "Guys That Blog" are borrrrrring!.

Natalie said...

I am SO glad that all of these buffet loving women stood up! Your theory is reversed in my house. This weekend, we took the kids to an all-you-can-eat place (they were PSYCHED) against the hubbies wishes. He whined about the starchy, germ-infested, too hot / too cold food the entire time. He would have rather eaten at MCDONALD's! "All I need is a burger..." I'll have to let him know about those lost scriptures!

Calamity Jane said...

Funny Guy!!! Great blog!

Kpetes-draggin said...

Daniel Haynes, as in Gentlemen Prefer. I have some pretty fabulous memories of eating dinner with you, but I can't remember a buffet in them? I only like a buffet if it has fresh shrimp and prime rib type stuff. Life is so simple for you men, food and sex and hey, that about covers it. Did I just say that out loud? Whoops. Anyway, miss you and would love to see you. Hug everyone. Kerry

April said...

Haynsy....I was officially kicked out after Winter Semester 1986. My freshman year was 1982. And why were YOU kicked out???? Was that you that was busted in the drug ring in Helaman Halls???? hehehe!!!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I'm a steak and potato girl...with that said, one of my favorite Buffet Restaurants is Golden Corral for the very fact that they have some GREAT steak!