Monday, January 19, 2009

A Strange & Peculiar People

Warning! Warning! This blog subject is not suitable for children and most adults. It deals with a real world experience in a farm town near Seattle, so if you are easily offended, have been offended before by my blog, or your spouse tells you that you are so uptight and straighlaced that you can make a diamond out of a piece of coal if you sat on it and clenched your butt cheeks, then this is not the week to read my blog.

Welcome home the rest of you.

On December 31, 2008, The Seattle Times ranked the Top 20 Web Stories of 2008 online as counted by those automated counter thingy’s. The No. 5 story read online was a story originally reported on July 15, 2005. And it’s number 5 in 2008, the Times reports it took several hundred thousand hits. According to the paper “You can’t keep a good story down,”.

Drum roll please. The No. 5 most-read story of the year is about the death of a 45 year old man in Enumclaw, Washington who was killed, in July of 2005, while attempting to have sex…. with a horse. Okay, that is killer sex. Sorry. Apparently the State of Washington is one of 17 states that do not ban sex with animals. Police tried to find a crime here, and they did, trespassing, on his 54 year old companion, because it wasn’t his barn. And in 2007 someone tried to make it into a movie.

Now I’ve been to Enumclaw, it’s a quiet little town, they have a sales pavillion to sell livestock, the County fairgrounds is there, it’s where you have to pass through to get to the north side of Mount Rainier. I never thought of it as a place for weirdo sex. And the thought of it just makes me shiver. Ask my wife, I’m still a bundle of nerves everytime she seduces me. And it has happened before, about 15 years ago police caught a drunk getting jiggy with a cow in a field in Enumclaw. They say he was pretty much in the moment, they actually had to interrupt him. The man not the cow. There must be something in the water, or the hay. I always bring my own food and drink when I go to Enumclaw.

So, we shared this story around the family out here in the Northwest, we really get bored in the winter. Everyone had an opinion, no one felt sorry for the guy even though he died. The paper reported everyone’s opinion regarding the “incident” and then I realised, no one reported the horses point of view. Until now.

“Thank you for taking the time to speak with me,” I started, “What should I call you?

“Well the other horses are calling me “Easy”, but you can call me “Nelly”, as in whoa Nelly.” replied the the horse, hereafter called “Nelly”.

“How are you dealing with the attention regarding this incident?” I asked.

“Well, I like to think that I’m as neeeeeighberly as the next horse”, Nelly responded, “but this is just ridiculous. I’ve lived a pretty quiet life up until now and then all of a sudden I’m being treated like a celebrity. Mr. Ed never had to deal with this kind of peoplecrap, but then he was a zebra. I’m not the whorse that people think I am.”

I wanted more. “Were you ever in danger of being charged with a crime?” was the next question.

Nelly paused, let out a whinney, shook her mane, and then responded, “They were thinking about charging me with “negligent hoofacide” but after the facts came out I was cleared.” Her eyes were sad, she was having a hard time with the memories.

“What can you tell me about that night, what is your side of the story?” I quizzed.

She closed her eyes for a second and then for the first time opened up. “I had just turned in for the night, munching on a nice piece of hay that I’d been watching grow out on the back forty the year before, I ate a little bit too much and was getting sleepy. All of a sudden I felt someone grab my tail, I turn around and there’s this pervert human trying to violate me!”

She was opening up, “I turned on him” she continued, “and yelled “You ain’t my cowboy!” and gave him a quick little kick. It all happened so fast, he flew backwards, did a double somersault, and then it was over, I’d wanted to give him a 10 but he didn’t nail the landing so he ended up with a 9.5. His buddy grabbed him and hauled him off, it started and ended so suddenly.”

There it was, she finally brought it out in the open. She relaxed, shivered, butted me with her head affectionately, and walked away.

Suddenly she turned, “I heard that the story is No. 5 online, we were No. 3 last year. I just hate election years.”


Jen said...

Still laughing! I actually haven't even recovered from the "warning" - the rest totally put me over the edge.

That really was funny. Completely irreverant, but very, very, funny.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Poor Nelly! But really, it sounds as if the poor cow who was violated at the hands of a drunkard suffered even more. I mean, that cow didn't even get the glory of fame that the horse was showered with. Sorry, Nelly, but the cow deserves more focus, especially after the humilation of being caught in the act. Ewwww!

April said... captured the beauty of small town America. Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay, wait, where's that box that I get to check that says that you're a total whack job? hee he

First can I just say, GIRLS don't tell stories like this. hee hee

I saw your title and I had to come over and make sure you weren't talking behind my back. And I'm so thankful you weren't. That is EWWWWW gross.

But you're funny. I mean, you made it funny. As funny as THIS subject can be anyway.

The Wixom Zoo said...

Bwahaha! That was pretty great. Thanks for the laugh!

My Diary said...

holy cow, I mean horse. That is truly terrible(sex with a horse, nnot your writing.) The interview made me laugh. Poor little (big ol)Nelly.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

OKay that is SOOOO disgusting, but GREAT blog material if you could actually CAPTURE it on vid or picture? Right?


I loved the's always nice to hear both sides...I feel bad she was violated, but she got her justice!

If it weren't for you I wouldn't be up on my WEIRD news...thanks for that!

HTF said...

Funny and pretty troubling at the same time! Thanks for sharing . . . I think. :)
Great blog!!

Annie Valentine said...

I think we can all take a lesson from Nellie. I'm going to memorize her, "You aint my cowboy!" line, in case I'm ever alone in a barn.

Anonymous said...

OK one problem with your story. If I am not wrong the horse was a male whorse not female.