Friday, January 9, 2009

Tastes Like Chicken!

This just in: “Texas Death Row Inmate Pulls Out Eye, Eats It”.

Now I’m talented but I can’t make up crap that good. The story on the AP wire today tells of a death row inmate, in Texas, that pulled out his only good eye and then told authorities that he ate it. No comment from the condemned man on if it tasted like chicken. I’m betting no on the chickeny taste.

I’m having trouble having any sympathy on this one, the creep killed his estranged wife, young son, and 13 month old daughter. The infant’s death got him the death penalty. Creepy yes, but I’ll spare the details because I know that mothers read this blog.

I don’t see what he thought this would do for his case but, well, hmmmm, this is uncomfortable, it looks like he doesn’t see either. His attorney explained that “He is insane and mentally ill. It is exactly the same reason he pulled out the last one.” People, hold the presses, we’ve got a serial eye eater here. He’s definitely lacking vision, oh sorry, the foresight, excuse me, the ability to look to the future, I apologize. What an idiot, and as for the insane and mentally ill, I think they should have assumed that the first time.

Now ol’ One Eye, who is thinking of changing his name to “Wtotl” as in “Who Turned Out The Lights”, is from Texoma, Texas. I haven’t looked yet but I’m assuming that this town is close to the Texas/Oklahoma border, just as Texarkana, Texas is close to the Arkansas border. What’s with that anyway? I haven’t checked my map for accuracy yet but I’m hoping that I don’t find a town on the Texas/Louisiana border named Texiana. Over to the west it’s possible that there is a town named Texico bordering New Mexico. If Texas bordered any more states I could have some fun with those states. Texona, Texah, Texada, Texegon, Texornia, Texaska, Texucky, Texshire, well you get the message. To my knowledge none of the border states have names like this, no Oklahas, Louisas, New Mexas. All right, enough about the silly place he lived. I’ve never been to Texoma so I apologize to the good people there if I’ve blogged you in the wrong light.

And I’m sorry for the families of the people he killed but I’m just thrilled he ate his eye because I was drawing a blank on a blog subject this week and this was like manna from heaven. Crash, would you please consider that the next time you poke me that I don’t want to be poked in the eye?

Wtotl has actually created a problem for the State of Texas. His inmate care costs just jumped. By eating his eye he now qualifies for American with Disability Act protection. He will need a white cane, but please don’t provide him standard issue, those 8x8 jail cells have limited square footage. Something the size of chopsticks will work. And a seeing eye dog, paid for by the good people of Texas, but get him a small one, like the Taco Bell dog, it’ll be a tight fit in that cell with the new fire hydrant for the dog. Then he’ll have someone to talk to him. You can take the lights out of his room, I mean cell, a radio would be more appropriate than the TV he’s watching, and let’s face it, he needs to be taught Braille, that will cost the State.

I don’t ever plan on going to prison let alone commit a crime. My advice to convict types is that if you want to convince someone that you’re insane and mentally unstable then you should start with ridiculous requests such as; crunchy instead of creamy peanut butter, butter instead of margarine, real potato’s and not powdered, the letter Q stricken from the alphabet, or run around the exercise yard each day screaming “I’m a hamster”. All of these suggestions hurt a lot less and don’t deprive you of some of the few freedoms that you do enjoy.

And while I’m still straddling the line on the death penalty, Texas, because they don’t mess around when it comes to the death penalty, will eventually put Wtotl to death. In the death chamber, the warden or maybe the priest will ask him if he has any last words.

Please don’t let him say; “It tasted like chicken.”


Alyson (New England Living) said...

"serial eye eater" - hahahaha

Ok, there are really too many funny things I can requote here, so I'll spare you.

Amazing that you can write about a jerk-wad of epic proportions and yet get me to laugh like that.

The Wixom Zoo said...

Yuck.... to each his own, I guess. (Excuse me while I go throw up)
P.S. I can't figure out why you can't see my blog. My permissions are completely open... stupid blogger. Maybe if you type in the address instead of clicking on the goofy ape? Let me know.

Haynsy said...

Good morning,

Alyson, what are you doing up so late. I put this to bed at 11pm PST. Are you still getting up with the Queen.

I'm an optomist and therefore couldn't help but look at it in a positive light.

Zoo girl, finally made it to your page, your "follow" link took me to your profile which you don't share. I have you now on the Disciples list, which was formerly Peepers. Welcome to the insanity.

Jen said...

Apparently you should become a journalist, because I was reading parts of it to my hubby and he thought it was a "real" story.

Love the chopstick idea.

Haynsy said...

Okay, the story is real, my blog is my view of it.

Haynsy said...

Okay, the story is real, my blog is my view of it.

R Max said...

Thank you SO MUCH! I was enjoying my cookies and milk up until about 1 minute ago.

Candid Carrie said...

"I don’t ever plan on going to prison let alone commit a crime."

Cheer up, there is always hope. Let's not forget about unintentional vehicular manslaughter.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said... the new look's great! So much more YOU and mE and Crash!

Love it!

Anyway...I think the guy had a good thing going actually...he can PROVE his insanity now...and who needs two eyes when you can still see out of one? And sometimes the patch over the eye can give you that SCARY look that might bode well for him in the showers!

As for Texas and the city names...What the What?

I like your run on their names...hehehe

Glad you read the news and keep us up to date! I abhor the stuff! :)

Haynsy said...


I can't take credit for what happens in the world, only provide my honest view.

Shelle my sweet little triplet. He needs a sleep mask, not an eye patch, he took the other eye out previously. The man has two empty sockets!

Wait till next weeks blog, the news out here has been very profitable.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

I'm pretty much a chronic insomniac. So, that's why I commented soooo late EST.

Annie Valentine said...

I agree, this sounds too professional to be taken lightly. This is why we need more men like you in the mommy blogger sphere. To keep us up to date on current, critical information.

Kpetes-draggin said...

Maybe we should go back to and eye for an eye

Youngblood4ever said...

I found you through Crash and you are AWESOME!

Ummm, that's gross. It's all I can say about that part of the story. As for being insane, I used to work with the criminally insane and I think that anyone who thinks it's a great idea to kill someone has to be insane. Should that stop us from killing them? I think not!

April said...

I wandered over from Crash's site with both of my eyes I just want to squeeze them shut in hopes that they don't accidentally get poked out! But IF they did, I would hope they would happen in jail, because I know I would have more rights there. Unless of course I was in Sheriff Joe's tent city in AZ. He's tough!

I'm going to throw up now! That guy is just CREEPY!!!

Motherboard said...

Holy Cannoli, Batman!

Was he hungry, and had a vision and in the vision, it told him he really had donuts for eyes? And these "eyes" would multiply and replenish themselves?

Wow. That's all I've got. Wow.

Word ver: Protex... yes. someone needs to protex his eyes.
Or maybe it's part Provo/Texas? humm. (Crash will love that!)