This just in: “Texas Death Row Inmate Pulls Out Eye, Eats It”.
Now I’m talented but I can’t make up crap that good. The story on the AP wire today tells of a death row inmate, in Texas, that pulled out his only good eye and then told authorities that he ate it. No comment from the condemned man on if it tasted like chicken. I’m betting no on the chickeny taste.
I’m having trouble having any sympathy on this one, the creep killed his estranged wife, young son, and 13 month old daughter. The infant’s death got him the death penalty. Creepy yes, but I’ll spare the details because I know that mothers read this blog.
I don’t see what he thought this would do for his case but, well, hmmmm, this is uncomfortable, it looks like he doesn’t see either. His attorney explained that “He is insane and mentally ill. It is exactly the same reason he pulled out the last one.” People, hold the presses, we’ve got a serial eye eater here. He’s definitely lacking vision, oh sorry, the foresight, excuse me, the ability to look to the future, I apologize. What an idiot, and as for the insane and mentally ill, I think they should have assumed that the first time.
Now ol’ One Eye, who is thinking of changing his name to “Wtotl” as in “Who Turned Out The Lights”, is from Texoma, Texas. I haven’t looked yet but I’m assuming that this town is close to the Texas/Oklahoma border, just as Texarkana, Texas is close to the Arkansas border. What’s with that anyway? I haven’t checked my map for accuracy yet but I’m hoping that I don’t find a town on the Texas/Louisiana border named Texiana. Over to the west it’s possible that there is a town named Texico bordering New Mexico. If Texas bordered any more states I could have some fun with those states. Texona, Texah, Texada, Texegon, Texornia, Texaska, Texucky, Texshire, well you get the message. To my knowledge none of the border states have names like this, no Oklahas, Louisas, New Mexas. All right, enough about the silly place he lived. I’ve never been to Texoma so I apologize to the good people there if I’ve blogged you in the wrong light.
And I’m sorry for the families of the people he killed but I’m just thrilled he ate his eye because I was drawing a blank on a blog subject this week and this was like manna from heaven. Crash, would you please consider that the next time you poke me that I don’t want to be poked in the eye?
Wtotl has actually created a problem for the State of Texas. His inmate care costs just jumped. By eating his eye he now qualifies for American with Disability Act protection. He will need a white cane, but please don’t provide him standard issue, those 8x8 jail cells have limited square footage. Something the size of chopsticks will work. And a seeing eye dog, paid for by the good people of Texas, but get him a small one, like the Taco Bell dog, it’ll be a tight fit in that cell with the new fire hydrant for the dog. Then he’ll have someone to talk to him. You can take the lights out of his room, I mean cell, a radio would be more appropriate than the TV he’s watching, and let’s face it, he needs to be taught Braille, that will cost the State.
I don’t ever plan on going to prison let alone commit a crime. My advice to convict types is that if you want to convince someone that you’re insane and mentally unstable then you should start with ridiculous requests such as; crunchy instead of creamy peanut butter, butter instead of margarine, real potato’s and not powdered, the letter Q stricken from the alphabet, or run around the exercise yard each day screaming “I’m a hamster”. All of these suggestions hurt a lot less and don’t deprive you of some of the few freedoms that you do enjoy.
And while I’m still straddling the line on the death penalty, Texas, because they don’t mess around when it comes to the death penalty, will eventually put Wtotl to death. In the death chamber, the warden or maybe the priest will ask him if he has any last words.
Please don’t let him say; “It tasted like chicken.”