Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Kid Delivers His Kid (Baby!)

My oldest son is very upset this week. When his first child was born he was robbed of the opportunity to "cut the cord" due to some silly "complication", health of the mother, problems with the delivery. Doctors, what do they know anyway. Tuesday morning when his daughter was born he missed out on cutting that cord too. I think his actual words were, "dang, I didn't get to cut her cord either". What a complainer. You'd think that he wasn't allowed into the delivery room at the hospital to participate.

Truth is he wasn't allowed in the delivery room. Okay, she didn't deliver in the delivery room but she did made it to the hospital. The reason he didn't cut the cord this time is a tale as old as time itself.

He was busy delivering his own baby in the car, in the parking lot, at the hospital, just after midnight.
Show off.

It happened like this (and this is a second hand report).

Son comes home from school, 10pm. (He's an apprentice electrician and is going to police academy to become a reserve sheriff in Spokane (SpoCan, not SpoCain), Washington. They're going to induce the delivery on Monday the 23rd, baby due March 4th. This baby is a kick boxer it turns out and is working out early for the Ultimate Fight Championship. His sweetie pie is feeling weird, not right, but she is a human punching bag right now.

12 midnight. After a bath Sweetie calls for mommy to come watch child #1. Doctor says come to the hospital. You know, runs up the doctors bills if you do that. Mommy comes because that's what mommy's do.

Sometime between midnight and I'm guessing 1:30, yea, AM!, they are driving to the hospital and she starts having contractions a minute and half apart. This is the part where my son decides that traffic laws are for sissy's because he breaks most of them when he puts his foot down on the pedal. She worries she's going to have baby and there is widespread panic... at least in their car. Me and the wife, she's in her kerchief and I'm in my cap, we just settled down for.... forget it. Sleeping like old people do. Besides, we're 400 miles away.

Somewhere during this blatant disregard for the traffic laws they hear running water. Since there isn't a sink in the car it must be coming from the pregnant one in the story. More gas is applied to the injectors. More panic too.

He skillfully drives up to the emergency room entrance, don's his SuperDad cape and rushes to the door to assist his wife into the hospital. He yells at the security guard to get help there's a baby coming and other stuff that I forgot.

Adrenalin is not flowing, it's pumping at high pressure, but still he gently opens the door for his sweetie and suggests that maybe she should remove.... how can I say this delicately.... her, her, her. Underwear. Just in case, which they do.

Now this is the part where everything gets crazy. Supposedly it happens something like this; wife screams "I'm having a baby", has a major contraction, and then, and then....

MY SON LOOKS DOWN JUST IN TIME TO SEE A BABY SHOOT OUT OF THE PLACE BABY'S SHOOT OUT OF AND DOES A QUICK JOHNNY BENCH (Hall of Fame Catcher) AND GRABS SAID SHOOTING BABY REAL FAST AND PULLS HER TO HIS CHEST!!!! NOT SEEING HER BREATHE HE TURNS HER OVER, CLEARS THE AIRWAY, PATS HER BACK AND GETS HER CRYING!!!!

And then the nurses showed up, and security. Mother and baby doing fine. Dad, well he's SuperDad, his little piece of Kryptonite just jumped into his arms. Mom, well we just love our Jessica. We hope the baby looks like her.

Welcome to the world Heidi Jean Haynes. 6 pounds, 15 ounces. 20 inches long with lots of hair. Pictures to follow.

I wonder if his insurance is going to get billed for the delivery.

15 comments:

Youngblood4ever said...

Oh heck, that is about the coolest story I have ever read. CONGRATS Papa! (that is Grandpa to our family) Your son is supercool! And seriously, after having 4 kids with the wonderdrug (epidural) I am amazed there are women who do it on purpose or accident with nothing! Way to be awesome Jessica!

The Wixom Zoo said...

Holy smokes! He's SuperDad and she's SuperMom! No way could I have done that...I'm too much of a planner, list maker and freak-outer when things don't go the way they're supposed to. Congratulations! I'm looking forward to seeing the pictures.

Jen said...

Okay, how did it take me so long to see this post??!!! That is so crazy! And so Cool. So glad the kid can catch. Congrats on more grand kiddies!

And by the way, you really should comment more often, since your comments are so stinkin' hilarious. It kind of eases the wait of the gestation periods between the births of your posts.

And remember, I AM your agent, so you should listen to me.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Oh my goodness! Congratulations.
That is some story to tell your grandchild!

Peace - Rene

Annie Valentine said...

Very very cool. I can't believe you're old enough to be a grandpa. I can't believe I'm old enough to be a mother. Why are we so old?

Jason will have nothing to do with the cord cutting, and personally I can't blame him. Yuck.

Kpetes-draggin said...

Daniel, that is amazing. Wes must be pretty happy about that one. A story for years to come-get a lot of milage out of that one. Anyway, it takes me forever to get around to reading the blogs but I was here and did that. K

LisAway said...

Woah. Is that possible? Holy Hannah! What an amazing story. There's one to go into the family records, I think.

Stephanie said...

Hi...Jen sent me here. Thanks for fixing her computer. :) Congratulations on being a Grandpa, great story!! This was fun to read.

Claire said...

That pesky Jen sent me over to your blog.

I've now had it confirmed in my mind - no more kids for me! In this same situation, I think my husband would faint, crack his head on the pavement and I'd be left to deliver my own baby. And that, I think, would be my worst nightmare... well, that and nursing.

Shelley said...

I hopped on over here from Jen's blog. Fantastic story really. I'm glad it never happened to me, but fantastic. Isn't it amazing how some of God's children hang onto the inside of your abdomen as if they think they are sinking down the bathtub drain and others who jump out as if their current living situation is just unbearable??
Kudos to the new mom!

The Garver Family said...

Whoa.

wenderful said...

Popped on over from Jen's. What a family legend this story will become! What a smart kid you've got there. Great retelling, by the way. Congratulations.

Lazenby Family News said...

I caught your link on Jen's page! Oh, my gosh--you are crazy! I love your blog. You should be a full-on writer for your occupation. I didn't get to read your full blog, so you probably are a real writer--and I'm redundant. (I'm not sure if I've ever used that word before) Children must flock around you and ask you to tell them stories! I love this blog! Can I follow you? ha ha ha Susan Lazenby

Haynsy said...

First, I'd like to thank the academy for this award...

Sorry, my head started swelling with Jen's enthusiastic endorsement of my computer skills and writing.

A few thoughts, February just really sucked with regards to blogging and I'm so glad it is done. Jenny has relit my fire for blogging and of course has renamed my wife "Hottie" which I of course can't agree more with.

Youngblood, Wixom Zoo, you are faithfull followers of my blog and I am Papa to all of my grandkids. To the older ones I'm the "Rock "n' Roll Papa" because I really love my music.

Jen, Annie, Kerry, Forgiven for the delay, I know you're lives are busy and my blog is not a big priority. I'll let it slide this one time.

As to the newbies that came over from Jen's blog WELCOME! I can be a little irreverant but I'm not apologizing that I'm not uptight.

Susan Lazenby... calling me a writer and then assuming that I'm a pro or real writer is the nicest compliment that I've received. Hottie is my biggest fan followed by Jen and they are just as complimentary. I think that I shall henceforth consider myself a writer. I'd love to have you follow my blog.

Remember everyone, There is no gravity, the earth sucks.

Haynsy

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

WOW...that is amazing! What a once in a lifetime opportunity!

I always wished when I was pregnant that I would have a fast delivery...I bet MOM was scared TO DEATH it was going TOO fast! :)

She will have to just do her last month of pregnancy at the hospital next time! lol!