Saturday, March 21, 2009

Bring On The Global… Uh, Regional Warming

Dear Global Warming Scientists,

Spring officially started today.

It’s about time. I’m so tired of winter that I’d like to go straight from winter to summer and then hit the snooze button on fall and winter a couple of dozen times and just move into summer for the next decade. Can you help?

I turn on my TV, Radio, surf the Internet, read the newspaper, and everywhere I hear about global warming. So here is my question: Is there an actual location that global warming is affecting on our earth besides Africa and the Middle East because it sure isn’t happening in the Pacific Northwet (pun intended). Whoever has control of the thermostat can turn that baby up a few degrees.

I’m not saying that there is no global warming, I’m not wired to understand the science thing that well. Just ask my old 7th grade science teacher Mrs. Vajdas, if she even knew that I could spell it would probably make her roll over in her grave, if she’s in the grave. Now Mrs. Hansen, my English teacher, she knew I could spell and write. I always did my homework for her because she was smokin’ hot! Her husband was a jerk though. Come to think of it my high school English teacher was hot too. I just figured out why I like to read and write.

Now we know you know the West Coast is a strange place to live. California has earthquakes and two seasons, “Flood and Inferno”. Oregon is like the best of California and Washington but unpredictable as to when you can expect what season. They can’t make up their mind there. They have year round skiing and assisted suicide.

Washington, well we don’t tan, we rust. The eastern half of the state spends most of their time hating the western half because 98.5% of the state budget is spent west of the Columbia River. Eastern Washington is considering letting Idaho annex it. Western Washington is the best of everything that you love about the earth, just the average temperature is about 20 degrees less than the rest of the states excluding Alaska and Canada. We have seasons, two of them, “Raining” and “Waiting for it to rain”.

And the rain does wonders for us. While you are conserving water due to shortages in the reservoirs we’re watering our lawns twice a day. Everywhere you go in Western Washington it’s green and raining! Moss is our state flower. Ever seen a rainbow? Here, it’s an everyday occurrence. Seattlites buy more sunglasses per capita than any other city because we can’t find them most of the time. We’ve got the ocean, Puget Sound, lakes, rivers, mountains with snow, mountains that are going to have snow. You want to see a wetland firsthand? Fly into Seattle and look out the window of your airplane. If you wait long enough in some areas the river comes to you or your house slides down the hill to the water. The reason water witching or dousing works in Washington is that you can’t miss, water is everywhere!

And now we’ve had enough. Snow the past two weekends! I’ve had to use my tire chains twice this winter. Who pissed off Canada and Alaska in our government that made them send us their weather? Give us global warming! Someone else can have the rain.

And here is why. While all of this rain makes things green, it’s against a background of gray. When the sun comes out the citizens start worshipping it like the second coming. Yes we’re green but we also have most of the crazy people here. If you look you’ll find the Unabomber vacationed here. In most states you have your occasional bizarre murder while we’re producing quality serial killers. Washington is a training ground for mass murderers, it’s the Al Queda of America. Why? They eventually get sick of the rain and with nothing else to do they kill. Give us some global warming and we’ll move to second place in a heartbeat. God’s creation of the rainbow along with the promise to Noah that he wouldn’t flood the earth again didn’t mean he wouldn’t regionalize it.

So, you scientists and people who got better than a D on your report card in 7th grade science… please send us global warming.




GammaHaynes said...

I would laugh, but its not funny its the truth. Ritzville or should I say Haynesville is looking better everyday. You do have a way with words and your pretty cute too.

Jen said...

I admit I love the rain.


I AM ABOUT TIRED OF THE COLD!!! Seriously. I'm not genetically hardwired for harsh weather conditions, and snow in March definitely qualifies as harsh.

And thanks for the chuckle. As your manager, I think you should write more often - the world needs your unique perspective.

Youngblood4ever said...

I think global warming is a hoax and here is why... I LIVE IN THE COLD! It was freakin' cold this winter, got warm for about 4 days and now I look out the window and it is snowing AGAIN! What in the world? Thanks for the always.

Annie Valentine said...

Florida called. They think it's time you flew south.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

HA! I think it was ME that pissed off Canada...and I'm sorry...I compared their apples to your apples and they got mad.

Come around where I the summer it's 90 percent death by rain, dry, and it's a phenomenon if we see a RAINBOW.

I was laughing that whole post! Great writing!

de.borea said...

Sorry to be the "square" in this discussion ...

If you did know something about "global warming" you'd know the term for it is misleading. It supposed to cause patterns in weather to change because of a 'perfect storm' - meaning many factors at once. Someone said that it should be called "Global Weirding" because the whole planet does not simultaneously get warm. That's why the preferred term is "climate change". Hot places may get even hotter. Some places may have stronger rains and may even get colder because of the sea currents changing.

Also, I have lived in the PNW for long enough to know that April showers do not bring May flowers here. April is usually sunny, whereas May is wet. And February has many intriguing sunny days for some strange reason.

Haynsy said...

Dear de.borea,

I think you might be a little uptight. It was not my intention to base my recent blog on facts or politically correct definitions of global warming, global cooling, and whether the Easter Bunny or Santa actually exists.

This blog is not based on any person dead, or as Michael Jackson said in disclaimer for the video Thriller, undead.

I'm just tired of rain.

Sorry to be the round peg in this discussion.


de.borea said...

Calling it "global warming" is like calling the internet the "information superhighway" or a "series of tubes" - it's a dead giveaway that you are behind the times.

I know your blog is just for shits and giggles - I'm just trying to inject a little bit of political awareness into it.

Haynsy said...


I don't do political.

I don't stick my head in the ground and ignore.

If I want to be polically aware I read the paper, watch CNN & Fox and research the issues then make up my mind, which won't agree with yours all the time.

I'm way to old to care about politics, look where it got us.

Thanks for looking, it was only meant to amuse, you're way too serious to be reading my stuff.


Chas Hathaway said...

I'm sure there's some science behind it, but I think it's hilarious when I talk about how winter is lasting longer this year, people say, "You know it's because of global warming, don't you?"

Oh, the irony. I suppose as the globe gets warmer, the weather gets colder... er... something.

- Chas